If you are a parent to an anxious child, there is a good chance your days include a lot of flexibility on your part. You leave early to avoid a meltdown. You answer the same reassurance question for the 14th time. You step in, smooth things over, cancel plans, negotiate, rescue. And if your child is avoidant and is for example refusing school, dodging activities, freezing up, or clinging hard, you might feel like anxiety is running the whole household.
So, let’s talk about how anxiety works and how, as parents, we can stop accidentally feeding it.
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Anxiety Is a False Alarm System
One of the most helpful ideas from Anxious Kids, Anxious Parents by Lynn Lyons is this: Anxiety is not dangerous. It’s uncomfortable.
Anxious kids have brains that are really good at detecting possible danger. So their alarm system goes off when there is no real emergency
- A test? Alarm.
- A birthday party? Alarm.
- Sleeping alone? Alarm.
- Trying something new? Full sirens.
Avoidant kids respond to this alarm by doing what makes sense in the moment: they avoid. And avoidance works… temporarily.
- The alarm quiets down.
- Everyone breathes again.
- Crisis averted.
But anxiety is sneaky. It learns fast. When your child avoids the scary thing, anxiety gets the message: “Good call. That really was dangerous.” So next time the alarm is louder, broader, and faster.
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Why Reassurance and Accommodations Backfire (Even Though They Feel Loving)
Parents of anxious kids are often incredibly attuned, thoughtful, and caring. Of course you don't want your child to suffer. But here’s the tough truth: Reassurance and accommodations can keep anxiety in charge.
When we:
• Answer “What if…?” questions repeatedly
• Let kids skip hard things indefinitely
• Change routines to keep anxiety calm
• Step in to rescue too quickly
We unintentionally send the message: “You can’t handle this without me.” And anxious kids already doubt their ability to cope.
Lynn Lyons talks about shifting from protecting kids from discomfort to preparing them to handle it. That’s where the real work lies.
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The Goal Isn’t to Get Rid of Anxiety
This part is important. The goal is not to eliminate anxiety. The goal is to teach kids how to move forward while anxious. Confidence doesn’t come from feeling calm first. It comes from doing hard things and realizing,
“Hey… I survived that.” Avoidant kids need experiences that show them they can cope.
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What Actually Helps Avoidant Kids
Here are a few therapist-approved, Lynn Lyons-inspired shifts that help:
1. Name Anxiety (Without Arguing With It)
Externalize it: “Sounds like anxiety is trying to boss you around right now.” You’re not dismissing feelings, you are separating your child from the anxiety. It can even be fun to give a silly name to anxiety with younger kids to further depersonify it from themselves.
2. Attune and Connec with Their Feeling. Model Regulation.
Attune to what they are feeling. The world is big and they are little, it is no wonder they feel scared of the unknown. You felt it too at some point, I am sure. Show them wat regulation looks. "I feel anxious in this moment with you. I am going to take a few breaths to calm down." And then show them (offer a template) what you do to help yourself stay regulated in the moment.
3. Stop Answering the Same Reassurance Questions
Reassurance is like a snack, it helps for a second, then anxiety wants more. Instead try: “I’ve already answered that. What do you think would help right now?”
4. Expect Discomfort (and Normalize It)
Avoidant kids often think discomfort = danger. Help reframe it: “This is uncomfortable, not unsafe.”
“Your body is revving up. It will settle on its own.”
5. Encourage Brave Practice (Even When It’s Messy)
Progress is rarely smooth.
Avoidant kids might:
• Cry
• Complain
• Resist
• Need repeated attempts
That’s not failure, that’s practice.
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A Gentle Word for Parents
If you’re reading this and thinking, “Oh no… I’ve been doing all of this wrong,”
please pause. You’ve been responding with love.
Parenting an anxious, avoidant child is exhausting, emotional, and often isolating. The goal isn’t perfection, it’s small, consistent shifts that slowly take power away from anxiety and give it back to your child.
And you don’t have to do it alone.
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Final Thought
Anxiety grows when we organize life around it. It shrinks when kids learn, again and again that “I can feel anxious… and still do hard things.”
That belief is one of the greatest gifts you can give your child.
If you’d like support navigating this as a family, or figuring out where to start, I’m always happy to help.
Olena Guseva
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